H@pPy BiRthD@Y

“Happy Birthday, cacat”

*Beep*

“Thank you, cacat”

That would have been your 32nd birthday wish had you still been with us.

Unfortunately, it is no longer the same. You are where you are but you will still be remembered.

Have gradually accepted it but not yet forgotten.

Your number is still saved in my handphone. Somehow, never had the courage or desire to delete your number. Even if I did, yours is only amongst a handful of number I could remember by heart.

Sometimes when scrolling through my phone and saw your number, I was wondering … what if I dialled your number, who is on the other end ? What will my reaction be ? Am I talking to angel ?

But until now, I have yet able to do so !

You will and always be with my heart ! Miss ya !~!

At Your Funeral …

Have your thought about this ?

Did it ever occur to you what happen at your funeral ?

I did !

I have always felt (thought) that i will die young. As in YOUNG (not above 30 ~ 50 years old).

- which may explain why at times, I do things without thinking much. Just do it !

- which may explain why at times, I just dont give a damn ! Turn it on !

Why ? I don’t know.

It’s just this freaky feeling. I have always thought that I will not live to see the world for long.

It’s just a gut’s feeling …

Sometimes, I will have the thought / feeling *while driving* of driving through a crossroad (not speeding eh) and out of nowhere, a lorry rams into my vehicle from the side and that it ! That’s the end of me. Hikayat Ghostraider !

It’s just like in those movies where suddenly, from nowhere, the train comes rushing out from the corner of your eyes and before you know it, the loud whistling of the train continue with a loud bang ! What is left are the tiny bits scattered around to be collected and be send to the junkyart / mortuary.

Over the years, I have slowly and gradually (reluctantly) accepted that part of me even if I wish to deny.

And, the next thing that came acros my mind will be … 

what will happen at my funeral ?

Who would be at my funeral ? YOU ?

Which one of you will give an eulogy about me ?  And how would it sounds like ?

Will it be a sad occasion ? Or it’s one of those moments where everyone remembers ?

Will it a happy occasion where it’s like the reunion of family and friends ?

hhhmmm… I wonder… I ponder …

Are you gonna attend my funeral ? And what will you do ? Will you be sad momentarily or forever ?

which one of you will actually cry ? Are those tears genuine ? or was it’s merely croc tears ?

Were they really crying for who I am or was it because of the ambience ? And how will I be remembered ?

Is it because for the lost of a loved or was it because of what one said ?

A blue rose …  

that is what I will ask for.

Why blue rose ? Dont ask me !

No idea !  but I just found out what it meant

Maybe because it is unique …

Maybe because it is hard to get …

Maybe its because it is special and it shows the effort one takes to get it and appreciate me …

And there I will be, looking for the sky (cos I am in heaven ?) and watching all of you …

I hope I won’t get sad watching it …

I hope I won’t get mad watching it …

I hope I won’t regret watching it …

But, guess I will have to wait …….

- There are so many things I have yet to do !

- There are yet so many things that I have yet to experience !

- There are so many places that I have yet to see !

The Making of … Thank U For Luving M3

My last blog, Thank U for Luving M3, has apparently garnered some interest among you readers.

Some thought of it as sweet …
Some thought of it as romantic …
Some thought of it as soft …

The blog may have perceived :-

that I still thinks of her …
that I couldn’t let her go …
that I was nice …

But that was not my true intention. When I wrote that blog, it was because I ran out of idea ?

You know, at times when you are alone or when you hear some sad but nice songs or even when you are searching for inner soul and peace when your past suddenly flashes in front of you ?

THAT’s was when I decided to write the blog.

There was no specifc reason for writing that blog ! If I could confide to someone close, why not ? Do you think it is possible ? It’s either not interested in listening or no concrete solution / advise. Worse still, what if it may hurt or offended other people’s feeling.

It is not easy to just blur it out to someone else. You wont be certain if that person can be trusted. You wont know for certain how that person will look at you. And we wont know how people would feel after knowing it, arent we ? That’s why, it is easier to blog about it here then to tell others. Cos you wont know who I am ! Or are you sure you know who I am ?

Maybe … just maybe I would tell a little bit more about myself next time …

Anyway, the song, Thank You For Loving Me by Bon Jovi which was included as the last part of my blog was merely a coincidence. I thought that song was nice and meaningful and it was suitable to end my blog . Nothing more, nothing less !

No doubt the blog was full of my thoughts, but hey, it’s just a blog. OK ? Isn’t that what it is suppose to be ? Freedom of speech !

The blog was merely the surface of the whole story. There are many other details which were not included. There are many incidents / occasions that I tend not mention because I prefer to keep the good memories rather than bad ones. What happened to the saying, Let Bygones be Bygones ?

To kill some of you readers’ curiosity, let me give you some rare inside view :-

- Our horoscope / horrorscope doesn’t match
- I cared for her because I was worried for her. Don’t you care for your friends ? So why must it be different just because both of you were a couple before ?
- Even if we were not together, doesn’t mean that we can’t still care for the other right ?
- We argued most of the time. Practically, 4-5 days a week ? Then we will get into cold war for weeks !
- We seldom talk to each other because I am always busy with work
- We probably would have been made shareholders of the telecommunication company with our constant SMS war
- We literally fight and cause much damages done
- It was to a point that I actually ran out of patience and ideas that my parents had to give a helping hand
- And the most crucial point … I know what she is capable of doing when she cant think rasionally and I tend to get fed up / frustrated / give up more than I am concern about her over time !

It may be lame excuses but that’s what I felt. I am who I am.
But wait ! There are more …. !
but … sshhh …. it’s part of my secrets !

There is no harm in Thanking someone for loving you … it would be better then thanking someone for hating you …

Would you let someone you dearly love go if you know that he / she is just not happy with you ?
Would you let someone you dearly love go if you know that he / she is miserable with you ?
Would you let someone you dearly love go if you know that he / she is a mismatch ?
Would you let someone you dearly love go with best wishes and happy for him / her if he / she found someone (instead of you) which he / she truly love ?

These are some thoughts for you to ponder upon …

It doesn’t not form any part of my feelings or any part of my blog therein.

Thank U 4 Luving M3 …

 

Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of you …

- how we met … but only for it to end this way

- how we used to correspond … but only for it to eventually fade away

- how we had our first trip together, yours being the first overseas trip … but only for it to be our last

- how you would whisper and say before you leave for work in the morning … but only for you to not realise that I sometimes was awake

- how you would wake up in the middle of night to run to the clinic to get me medication … but only for you to not realise that I appreciate your caring

- how you would get frustrated in waking me up on weekends to do the things we planned … but only for you to not realise that I smiled in my heart knowing that you gotten a lil angry

- how you would stop my head from banging on the wall with your hand … but only if you knew what was going through my mind

- how you would sacrifices your mode of transport when I was without one … but if only you knew I was worried for you and not to trouble you

- how I nearly lost my life and you were the first in my mind to call … but if only you knew that you were the one I could rely on

- how you would just leave with no where to go, no money to spend … but if only you knew I was worried about you even as a friend

- how you would spend on getting things for my family for festive seasons … but only for me to say that’s a bribery

 

whenever I see your friend’s blog, it had me going …

- reading through the blog to see if there was any mention of you … only to be disappointed that there was no you

- browsing through the photos trying to get a glimpse of you … only to be disappointed that there isn’t much photos of you

- heart pumping, wanting to know how and what have you been up to … only to be disappointed that there is nothing to know of you

- whether you have found someone … only to be disappointed that there is no status on you

 

If only you knew and understood that it was hard for me to let you go despite our daily difference and the never ending arguments and WWIII …

Yes … I hated you at one point

Yes … I didn’t want to talk to you

Yes … I didn’t want to see you

Yes … I couldn’t stand your sudden outburst and our constant arguments

Yes … I hate each time you acted blur and doing something insane

Yes … I was fed up with your unpredictable actions, not knowing whether you ever thought about your actions

Yes … I hate when you always say It’s Your Life and It’s Up To You !

 

but …

words can’t express the feeling I have for you,

words can’t express what I have to say to you,

all I can do is to wish and say …

In Living Mem0ri3s

Born : 1st June 1978
Died : 30th January 2009 @ 2.15am
Life Span : 30 years and …

This post has been long saved in draft. Finally, it’s gonna get published.

It has been a year since your sudden departure. Though life has began to be back to normal, but it will never be the same without you. It will take a longer time before things will be normal. Your departure has been greatly missed and it certainly left a deep impression in life and what life is all about …

Though it has been a year ever since you left and flowing tears have been shedded many times, yet you are still deeply missed…

Do I look like your boyfriend ?
Ain’t your hubby as well !
So why is your departure to 另一个天堂, to the destination beside the God has such a big influence ?

How long have we known each other ?
Was thinking about it and came to a conclusion of 13 years (after much debate) ! Unlucky number huh ?!

Could still remember the day when we were told that your hubby has a target in sight. Of course we were happy and excited ! We were anxious to know more especially during the occasional ‘yum cha’ session back in hometown since we were furthering our studies in different academic institutions.

Back track 13 years ago. It was at the foodstall near Kuantan highway. You were quiet at that time and we were anticipating what/how you will be. But after knowing you, how wrong could it be to think that you were the quiet type. Not to say that I am complaining but that is YOU ! Which makes a difference ….

Throughout the years, there were definately many memories which we could relay to our next generation. The ups and downs we had gone through …
Remember the times (which I can think of ) when …
- we used to call each other ‘cacat’ for no reasons ? Not sure how it just got stucked between us but that’s how we would address each other.
- I made your tears flowing down your cheek (hey, you were a cry baby ok ! easily) when I accidentally broke your streak win records or during one of the so-called fishing trips by the ravine in the estates where I nearly started a bush fire while trying to chase away the mosquitoes ?
- I accompanied your hubby to meet your parents ? How I got to know your cousin(s) ? and how you got mad with me for a short period of time for certain reason ?
- you got drunk being dared with a ‘graveyard’ ?
- you were in KL for holidays etc …
- I blurred the rice during dinner with your parents before I returned to Aussie to continue my studies ?
- I used to shake my head when looking at you globbing food and you will say “what ?!”
- we both enjoy having ‘mee soto’ and nearly finishing the bottle of chilly ?
- you will always ask me to shut up when I complained even without uttering a word ?
- you, introducing me to your friends during the drinking session in January 2009 where you told your colleagues that I am your hubby’ close friend but yet you don’t. And you treated me as ‘chi mui’ ? Thought I gave you that kind of look but deep inside, was happy that you said that !
- when we have our first group trip to Cambodia – Siem Reap in 2007 which everyone voted as one of the best trip we had ?
- where we shared notes for the Mt Kinabalu trip ?
- and how could everyone not forget your wedding night ? where trying to wake your hubby to get into the room only to be told that he was tired and would sleep in the hall and we both shared the same bed only to wake up in the morning to face the ‘family’ tribunal court. And, I used to tell my colleagues jokingly.

So, it would not be a surprise when we attended your 1st death anniversary. Why would I want to be there ? I don’t know. I just feel like being there. Just for it. And again, it was such an awkward and embarassing situation when I called your name while referring to another person only to be reminded. It was a merely slip of tongue ok !!!

But, it was also an eye opener on the ‘fire’ puja ceremony and was honoured to be involved in the preparation. I do hope that your soul rest in peace eventhough it was understood that your soul IS in peace.

During that trip, have heard some stories and though it is rather confusing and upsetting, whatever it is, you will still be remembered. It has been an honour knowing you.

This year’s CNY was no longer the same.

(note : this is uploaded until it is requested to be removed or someone finds out)

Ref : http://www.nst.com.my/Current_News/JohorBuzz/Monday/Stories/2468287/Article/index_html ; http://www.chinapress.com.my/content_new.asp?dt=2009-01-31&sec=malaysia&art=0131mb63.txt