Does It M@tt3r ?

Does it matter if you are a male or female ?

Does it matter if you are older or younger ?

Does it matter if you are here or there ?

Oh ! Come on ! What world are we living it ? What century are you from ?

When the world is talking about globalisation and the world is at your fingertip, does it matter ?

What matter the most is the sincerity and trust !

Sometimes it just happens ! Sometimes things just click ! That’s what it’s called …. fate !

Otherwise, life is be boring. There is no excitement. So … robot !

And at many times, life is so unpredictable. So, shall we let it be or shall we do something about it ? It doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong. It doesn’t matter if you are able to get along with someone or not. It doesn’t matter if the person is your past, present or future. What matters most is are you happy ? Are you contemplating with your life ? Your surrounding ? So, you just want a plain simple life ?

Life is short, live it up.

p.s : just make sure it is done reasonable with clear concise thoughts !

Dummies @ Work

I vowed not to raise my voice if possible.

I vowed not to show the ugly side of me if not required.

But tell me !

How is that possible when I need to review a simple work for a couple of times ?!

How is that possible when what I said turned into deaf ears ?!

How is that possible when people don’t follow simple instructions and deadlines ?!

When things are not moving, who are you gonna call ? Ghostr@ider ?

It is so frustrating, annoying and madness !~!

Dumb @ss !! !@#$%^&*

Sigh. Another one of those stupid days.

H@pPy BiRthD@Y

“Happy Birthday, cacat”

*Beep*

“Thank you, cacat”

That would have been your 32nd birthday wish had you still been with us.

Unfortunately, it is no longer the same. You are where you are but you will still be remembered.

Have gradually accepted it but not yet forgotten.

Your number is still saved in my handphone. Somehow, never had the courage or desire to delete your number. Even if I did, yours is only amongst a handful of number I could remember by heart.

Sometimes when scrolling through my phone and saw your number, I was wondering … what if I dialled your number, who is on the other end ? What will my reaction be ? Am I talking to angel ?

But until now, I have yet able to do so !

You will and always be with my heart ! Miss ya !~!

At Your Funeral …

Have your thought about this ?

Did it ever occur to you what happen at your funeral ?

I did !

I have always felt (thought) that i will die young. As in YOUNG (not above 30 ~ 50 years old).

- which may explain why at times, I do things without thinking much. Just do it !

- which may explain why at times, I just dont give a damn ! Turn it on !

Why ? I don’t know.

It’s just this freaky feeling. I have always thought that I will not live to see the world for long.

It’s just a gut’s feeling …

Sometimes, I will have the thought / feeling *while driving* of driving through a crossroad (not speeding eh) and out of nowhere, a lorry rams into my vehicle from the side and that it ! That’s the end of me. Hikayat Ghostraider !

It’s just like in those movies where suddenly, from nowhere, the train comes rushing out from the corner of your eyes and before you know it, the loud whistling of the train continue with a loud bang ! What is left are the tiny bits scattered around to be collected and be send to the junkyart / mortuary.

Over the years, I have slowly and gradually (reluctantly) accepted that part of me even if I wish to deny.

And, the next thing that came acros my mind will be … 

what will happen at my funeral ?

Who would be at my funeral ? YOU ?

Which one of you will give an eulogy about me ?  And how would it sounds like ?

Will it be a sad occasion ? Or it’s one of those moments where everyone remembers ?

Will it a happy occasion where it’s like the reunion of family and friends ?

hhhmmm… I wonder… I ponder …

Are you gonna attend my funeral ? And what will you do ? Will you be sad momentarily or forever ?

which one of you will actually cry ? Are those tears genuine ? or was it’s merely croc tears ?

Were they really crying for who I am or was it because of the ambience ? And how will I be remembered ?

Is it because for the lost of a loved or was it because of what one said ?

A blue rose …  

that is what I will ask for.

Why blue rose ? Dont ask me !

No idea !  but I just found out what it meant

Maybe because it is unique …

Maybe because it is hard to get …

Maybe its because it is special and it shows the effort one takes to get it and appreciate me …

And there I will be, looking for the sky (cos I am in heaven ?) and watching all of you …

I hope I won’t get sad watching it …

I hope I won’t get mad watching it …

I hope I won’t regret watching it …

But, guess I will have to wait …….

- There are so many things I have yet to do !

- There are yet so many things that I have yet to experience !

- There are so many places that I have yet to see !

12 more hours to go !

12 more hours !

That’s all it takes ! Can’t wait for the sleepless nights, the long hours and the mad rush to be over.

Not forgetting the frustration of having some of the smarter people asking some of the most silliest questions.

Tension ! And all because of what ? They had to fork out money instead of receiving it. Money really shows the true characters of a person.

They dont appreciate the efforts one put in. Instead, they just think about themselves ! Their selfishness can some times be so intolerable compared to their smartness. Or is it because they are too smart ?

Sigh ! It’s like everyone owes them. If only the comments they wrote can be shown !

Nevertheless, 12 more hours and it’s the end of such madness. Wouldnt say that it’s totally ended but one can sigh a huge relief. 80% at least !

Then, it will be back to the drawing board again when new ideas, planning and people have to be planted. It’s a never-ending story ! But what can one do ?! Work goes on !

Though this time around, things improved but still, there is much room to improve and a new team is gonna be born after this. Hopefully it will last this time. Otherwise, things will be screwed up like before. TOUCH WOOD ! Have vowed not to let it happen again !!

Sigh…

It is expected that things will change after this or at least hope for the better. finger crossed.

We shall see….

Now, back to work for the final touch ! Then, it will be over and cant wait to be back out there with a life ! It has been so long to have actually seen the outside world and feel the fresh air around it instead of the same four walls every single day.

The Making of … Thank U For Luving M3

My last blog, Thank U for Luving M3, has apparently garnered some interest among you readers.

Some thought of it as sweet …
Some thought of it as romantic …
Some thought of it as soft …

The blog may have perceived :-

that I still thinks of her …
that I couldn’t let her go …
that I was nice …

But that was not my true intention. When I wrote that blog, it was because I ran out of idea ?

You know, at times when you are alone or when you hear some sad but nice songs or even when you are searching for inner soul and peace when your past suddenly flashes in front of you ?

THAT’s was when I decided to write the blog.

There was no specifc reason for writing that blog ! If I could confide to someone close, why not ? Do you think it is possible ? It’s either not interested in listening or no concrete solution / advise. Worse still, what if it may hurt or offended other people’s feeling.

It is not easy to just blur it out to someone else. You wont be certain if that person can be trusted. You wont know for certain how that person will look at you. And we wont know how people would feel after knowing it, arent we ? That’s why, it is easier to blog about it here then to tell others. Cos you wont know who I am ! Or are you sure you know who I am ?

Maybe … just maybe I would tell a little bit more about myself next time …

Anyway, the song, Thank You For Loving Me by Bon Jovi which was included as the last part of my blog was merely a coincidence. I thought that song was nice and meaningful and it was suitable to end my blog . Nothing more, nothing less !

No doubt the blog was full of my thoughts, but hey, it’s just a blog. OK ? Isn’t that what it is suppose to be ? Freedom of speech !

The blog was merely the surface of the whole story. There are many other details which were not included. There are many incidents / occasions that I tend not mention because I prefer to keep the good memories rather than bad ones. What happened to the saying, Let Bygones be Bygones ?

To kill some of you readers’ curiosity, let me give you some rare inside view :-

- Our horoscope / horrorscope doesn’t match
- I cared for her because I was worried for her. Don’t you care for your friends ? So why must it be different just because both of you were a couple before ?
- Even if we were not together, doesn’t mean that we can’t still care for the other right ?
- We argued most of the time. Practically, 4-5 days a week ? Then we will get into cold war for weeks !
- We seldom talk to each other because I am always busy with work
- We probably would have been made shareholders of the telecommunication company with our constant SMS war
- We literally fight and cause much damages done
- It was to a point that I actually ran out of patience and ideas that my parents had to give a helping hand
- And the most crucial point … I know what she is capable of doing when she cant think rasionally and I tend to get fed up / frustrated / give up more than I am concern about her over time !

It may be lame excuses but that’s what I felt. I am who I am.
But wait ! There are more …. !
but … sshhh …. it’s part of my secrets !

There is no harm in Thanking someone for loving you … it would be better then thanking someone for hating you …

Would you let someone you dearly love go if you know that he / she is just not happy with you ?
Would you let someone you dearly love go if you know that he / she is miserable with you ?
Would you let someone you dearly love go if you know that he / she is a mismatch ?
Would you let someone you dearly love go with best wishes and happy for him / her if he / she found someone (instead of you) which he / she truly love ?

These are some thoughts for you to ponder upon …

It doesn’t not form any part of my feelings or any part of my blog therein.

Thank U 4 Luving M3 …

 

Whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of you …

- how we met … but only for it to end this way

- how we used to correspond … but only for it to eventually fade away

- how we had our first trip together, yours being the first overseas trip … but only for it to be our last

- how you would whisper and say before you leave for work in the morning … but only for you to not realise that I sometimes was awake

- how you would wake up in the middle of night to run to the clinic to get me medication … but only for you to not realise that I appreciate your caring

- how you would get frustrated in waking me up on weekends to do the things we planned … but only for you to not realise that I smiled in my heart knowing that you gotten a lil angry

- how you would stop my head from banging on the wall with your hand … but only if you knew what was going through my mind

- how you would sacrifices your mode of transport when I was without one … but if only you knew I was worried for you and not to trouble you

- how I nearly lost my life and you were the first in my mind to call … but if only you knew that you were the one I could rely on

- how you would just leave with no where to go, no money to spend … but if only you knew I was worried about you even as a friend

- how you would spend on getting things for my family for festive seasons … but only for me to say that’s a bribery

 

whenever I see your friend’s blog, it had me going …

- reading through the blog to see if there was any mention of you … only to be disappointed that there was no you

- browsing through the photos trying to get a glimpse of you … only to be disappointed that there isn’t much photos of you

- heart pumping, wanting to know how and what have you been up to … only to be disappointed that there is nothing to know of you

- whether you have found someone … only to be disappointed that there is no status on you

 

If only you knew and understood that it was hard for me to let you go despite our daily difference and the never ending arguments and WWIII …

Yes … I hated you at one point

Yes … I didn’t want to talk to you

Yes … I didn’t want to see you

Yes … I couldn’t stand your sudden outburst and our constant arguments

Yes … I hate each time you acted blur and doing something insane

Yes … I was fed up with your unpredictable actions, not knowing whether you ever thought about your actions

Yes … I hate when you always say It’s Your Life and It’s Up To You !

 

but …

words can’t express the feeling I have for you,

words can’t express what I have to say to you,

all I can do is to wish and say …

I Vote Earth !

Come on !

Let’s do our part.

Let’s do it for what we believe !

Let’s not do it because everyone is doing it !

Do it because you want to !

The world dont need another imposter. What we need are genuine people who are sincere in making this world a better place. Actions towards climate change !

What we dont need are people who do it for personal fame. We dont need to publicise what we will do, what we did. Just like the papers that like to interview / publish what people are doing but do you see any news about it before the event ? It is as if there are no other better news to publish.

Publish it ! Publicise it so that those unaware of it will know about it.

Publicise it  ! Publicise it so that more are aware and more will participate willingly.

It is just a small gesture for mother earth who have served us for millions of years and millions to come.

60 minutes.

60 minutes is all it takes.

During these 60 minutes, we can still enjoy. we can still celebrate.

It is a small step for what we have been damaging.

It may not show a huge significant change but it shows that we are trying.

Do it because you believe in it !

Do it because you want it !

Do it because you are proud of it !

Just do it.

8.30pm – 9.30pm on this day @ 27th March 2010

 

I got a feeling … that tonight’s gonna be a good night … that tonight’s gonna be a good night …. that tonight’s gonna be a good good night … I got a feeling …

I have a Secret ….

I have a secret !

In fact, I have a few …. which I wanna share with you.

I can no longer keep it to myself anymore ! It is very difficult to abstain from not telling … It’s suffering … People says don’t keep it to yourself, to share it ! But would you be interested ?

I can’t tell you what my secret is ! because IT IS A SECRET ! If I were to tell you what my secret is, it is not a secret no more and I have to kill you !

Secret should be kept. Secret is not suppose to be shared in public. It is supposingly kept private.

Secret is always full of mystery. Full of curiosity. Everyone is unique and has his/her own secret. Some of these secrets are too sensitive that when you shout it out, it may change your life forever. It is always a risk to tell someone about it.

 I have a secret …

And I have decided not to tell any of you ! It’s a treasure / sorrow in my life. My secret is precious. It is special to me. My secret belongs to me and me only. I need to protect it from others. Although it is difficult to bury it in your heart from everyone but I do enjoy the feeling. The loneliness. Yes ! I enjoy it (at times) !

I have a secret …

This is a secret(s) that I will take to my grave. I don’t want to tell you about it. I want my secret(s) to be a mystery ! Something I have been hiding from all of you and I won’t tell you ! Not even if you are my family members, my friends or my lover. I only believe in me. And I am willing to keep my secret forever to protect my life from any changes. Till death do us part ! No one can betray me if they don’t know about my secret. So, I have decided not to tell you !

 So … do you still want to know about my secret? Can I trust you ? Come closer … Let me whisper to you ….

It’s a secret ! Shhh ……….

[this may may familiar to you ... you may think it's you ... but ... it is still a secret ...... ]

It’s THAT feeling …

Had that feeling again ….

was having a drink alone by the bar in Laundry and suddenly, this feeling came all back to me.

I feel moody …

I feel lifeless …

I feel no sense of directions …

I feel bored with life …

I dont know what I am doing. I just feel that life is boring. There is no excitement in it. It’s always work, sleep, work sleep with the occasionally sports day or hanging out with friends doing the same old it. It’s like a routine ! it’s so boring !

It made me feel like there is nothing to look forward. I dont feel anything ! Is that good or bad ? I DONT KNOW ! All I know is that, here I am, sitting alone by the bar .. drinking and reflecting what I have done ! It’s basically work, work and work ! The thoughts itself was dull ! But what can I do ?

Then I started sms-ing everyone. Just to ease my boredom. Meantime, felt like useless. Nothing to do. Look for friends ? That’s where I realise that no one besides me. I am alone. The lone ranger. Dont feel like calling anyone. That’s as if there is someone else to call-la …

Things gone through my mind. What was I thinking ? What do I actually want in life ? I am actually contended with what I have for now.  You say car .. dah ada. You say place of stay … dah ada. in the process pula … then what else

Tapi, the lifestyle of always reviewing and rushing for deadlines just sux ! It’s as if nothing else better to do. So what can I do ?!

I am just tired with it. I just feeling like striking a lottery and away with the problem (for a moment). I just wanna get away for some time and relax. I just wanna do what I want to do … without thinking much !

In the end, I am still back in office as this hour, trying to rush for targets. Trying to get things done which I have targeted for the day / weekend which I couldnt possibly do during working hours. And yet, I dont feel I have the time for myself …

sigh … 我累了。。。